OOC: Thanks for clicking on the link. This blog is designed to archive all the old gags from my Twitter account (@BenKenobisGhost / http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost ). This isn't going to have every tweet I've ever posted, just a selection of the one line jokes with links to the original tweet so that it's easy to retweet your favourites. If you like a joke, please do retweet it. It makes me happy.
I'll update the blog every friday before FF with a list of the new jokes that people have liked for that week.
The jokes are arranged into the following categories to make it easier to find ones you like:
1) Star Wars Gags (basic, in character jokes about Star Wars)
2) Out of Character Gags (jokes told from outside the perspective of Ben Kenobi's Ghost, usually still about Star Wars but about the making of the movies or the production team/special editions/actors etc)
3) Non Star Wars and Crossover Gags (jokes about other franchises or characters, or jokes where Star Wars characters interact with another franchise or character)
4) Photos and Links (tweets which are just a link to a video or a photo, normally to do with Star Wars and normally also a joke)
5) Hashtag Gags (jokes which are based off trending hashtags of the moment such as #dontcountonit or #wordsthatleadtosex. Mostly Star Wars related but the odd one or two aren't)
6) Coffee Related (tweets about coffee. I don't know why this became a running gag, but it did)
And now, the first installment (this one will be longer than later blogs as it's catching up the first few weeks of my account).
1) Star Wars Gags
For over 1000 generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before Bieber
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19389439390
#jointhelightside and you can spend eternity as your weakened older self rather than being revitalised and youthful like...wait a second!
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19419234498
Sith must kill their masters to progress. Yet they continue to take apprentices #SithStupidity
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19451887699
Ever noticed that Force Ghosts look just like a hologram? That's right, Jedi don't die, we just call long distance #jointhelightside
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19457350669
#jointhelightside where we give ALL our soldiers basic marksmanship training. You'll receive no such promise from the Empire
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19497668227
I can't believe how young and stupid I once was. "Only a Sith deals in absolutes" is an absolute #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19597297544
So much advanced technology but they never thought of making ground attack vehicles with wheels. #StupidEmpire #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19688654434
I tweet from an iPhone of course. It's all I'll use. In fact I don't seem to recall ever owning any droids #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19691281390
Many truths depend greatly on our point of view. For instance, @justinbieber is a good singer #FromACertainPointOfView
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19736271070
As a young man I could jump 20 feet. In my later years you'd be lucky to get a forward flip out of me. Damn arthritis
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19899646632
The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded but sometimes it's just easier to cut a guys arm off #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19905589874
I hit @Angry_Jar_Jar because he kept grabbing food from the table with his tongue. I told him to use the forks!
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19941729458
Owen was worried Luke might turn out like his father. But no, instead he blew up a planet sized.... Oh wait #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19989250805
So @LordPalpatine, the circle is now complete. When I met you I was but a learner, now I am the Phantom Menace #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19990627983
Last night I tried to go to a fancy bar but wasn't let in. I can't believe they needed to see my identification #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20066651170
Sith are more likely to deal in absolutes but I wouldn't want to generalise. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20137322384
The Sandpeople startle easily... Seriously it's hilarious! Try creeping up behind them with a trumpet. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20166758584
I'll admit, the Jedi were blind to the machinations of the Dark Side. But stormtroopers are just plain blind. #jointhelightside
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20219341370
Did you know Anakin used to write love poetry? It was awful. I hope that's not how he actually talks to women. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20254217201
Kamino's tourist trade is built on the idea of telling everyone who visits "Well the weather was lovely LAST week". Much like Cornwall
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20258317386
At the Jedi academy, Lightsaber courses come in three parts: 1) Blocking 2) Flynning 3) Chopping off limbs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20309742993
I've become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Blue and sparkly! OoooOooo! Be afraid! #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20323171733
Somedays you're just not in the mood for a damn fool idealistic crusade. Somedays you'd rather have a sandwich. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20376481057
We are now landing on Kamino. The weather outside is rainy, with a chance of flying whales. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20464600116
I never noticed that Windu sounds like window and he died by falling out a window. I guess that's #irony. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20503421841
Pray you never meet @Senile_Yoda's parents. Kermit's lovely but Miss Piggy is a bitch. #starwars #themuppets
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20582563454
It may look like Luke blew up the Death Star but actually the shot came from the Millennium Falcon #hanshotfirst #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20660127111
"You're a droid" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "R2!!" #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20713969018
Run Luke, Run!... Haha! He's actually running! Run Luke, Run!.. Hah! He's so gullible! #ilaugheverytime #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20718316006
"bleeble bloop bleep bleep whooaaaooow" "oh R4, you have such a dirty sense of humour!" #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20764037048
"Ben" Kenobi and Luke Skywalker. Living on Tatooine. Yeah, don't worry. Vader won't find us here. Not with THIS cunning disguise. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20819118763
I don't understand why the Death Star needs @DeathStarPR. It's such a nice place. I'd happily spend the rest of my life there. #ohwait
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20826287973
6 millions forms of communication and not allowed to impersonate a deity. Anakin? What did you build him for? #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20878904805
Let's be rational. If Greedo had shot first he wouldn't have missed at that range. He's not a stormtrooper! #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20894896605
I once stopped in to the Millennium Falcon to tell Solo that Leia loved him. I hope she wasn't planning to surprise him with that. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20913457089
As I boasted that "I have the high ground" I was just glad I never told Anakin about Darth Maul. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20967923968
Anakin was becoming too dangerous. I needed to find some way to disarm him. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20982658185
I felt a great disturbance in the Force. As if #4millionbeliebers cried out in squee and wouldn't be silenced #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20990974599
To be fair, it does look a lot like a moon. In fact it doesn't look like a star at all. It's a silly name. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/21009281496
Do you know what I hate? Jedi who use the Force to levitate fruit. Argh! I'm grumpy just thinking about it! #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/21023628942
"Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing". You know, you're a dick sometimes Yoda. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/21025901089
2) Out of Character gags
When Anakin became Darth Vader he stopped being Canadian. I guess Canadians aren't evil enough. But why did he become Mufasa? #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20708547191
There were loads of women in #starwars! Leia, Mon Mothma... um... That woman who said "stand by ion control"...
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20718094570
Dear George, 20 years from now, please remake #starwars 4,5&6 using the 1,2&3 cast. Your fans want this. Signed, your imagination
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20793789742
If Lucas gets another chance to edit #starwars we'll end up with a version where Alderaan shot first
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20838411572
What does #starwars have that #startrek doesn't? That's right. Surge protectors.
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20905945433
3) Non-Star Wars and Crossover gags
Anakin! You were the Chosen One! Oh, Neo, Buffy, hello... Well this is awkward #starwars #btvs #matrix
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20020510447
I prefer @DarthVader to @Lord_Voldemort7. Our villain may have no limbs but at least he has a nose #starwars #harrypotter
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20073132417
Sam Wheat got talking to Han Solo. The conversation was mostly "Ditto", "I know!" #ghostparty
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20084271916
I don't know why Henry VIII is laughing at Count Dooku. Did I miss something? Was I unconscious? #ghostparty
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20084884279
A guy just showed up claiming to be the Ghost Writer. I'm not sure it's really him... #ghostparty
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20085385626
Cordelia just showed up to the #ghostparty but she's brought a date. The Phantom Dennis. I really don't like that guy
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20091171169
That's no moon, it's a plutoid. Oh wait, it's Pluto. So planet then. Pluto = planet. It's the will of the Force #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20184744962
Correct me if I'm wrong but instead of "AVADA KEDAVRA!" isn't the Sith version just "UNLIMATED POWAH!"? #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20377028315
Was supposed to be with Oma Desala tonight but her friend Daniel is visiting and apparently he never stays long #stargate
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20739204752
I think the Empire should mount their ships with Wookiee bowcasters. #BowTIEsAreCool #doctorwho #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/21014830064
4) Photos and Links
Adorable! Come here my little friends! http://j.mp/d4zW0b #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19900901858
*sigh* No matter what you do, someone always ruins a photograph #starwars http://twitpic.com/2bnnd9
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20342808422
What have I done? #starwars http://twitpic.com/2bus9g
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20397997693
Darth Vader is just a bully #starwars http://twitpic.com/2d7s1i
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20740022932
Vader meets the terminator as Darth Schwarzenegger. More machine now than man. #NSFW #starwars http://j.mp/acQPS
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20900910031
Lightsabers..squirrels? And I thought Master Yoda looked odd with one. #starwars http://twitpic.com/2dym59 (pic via @Enchanted_Song)
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20967511703
I may be a ghost, but it appears Vader is a zombie. http://j.mp/9GNXAm #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/21066743925
5) Hashtag Gags
#oneofmyfears is that my compulsive lying may one day lead to accidental incest
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19415113203
Me, the boy, two droids and no questions asked" #wordsthatleadtosex #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19505058113
#TheLousyTruth I lied. Luke's uncle and aunt were killed by sandpeople. Imperial Stormtroopers aren't that precise #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19533569961
What should worry you about the #Lucasized trend is the inevitable "special editions". #leeharveyoswaldshotfirst!
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19642410974
That cloud looks like a rabbit #FromACertainPointOfView #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19747346366
Master Windu's lightsaber was purple. #FromACertainPointOfView
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19755750990
I thought I could train Anakin as well as Yoda.. and I was right! #FromACertainPointOfView #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19757421168
Reports indicate Chewbacca has been riddled with holes. Now when he takes a drink the #Wookieeleaks
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19773599278
Scientific report quoted as saying Midichlorian theory "a load of BS" #Wookieeleaks
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19775614446
I have the high ground! I know you think you can still take me but #dontcountonit #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19825572191
Letting Anakin drive #neveragain #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19871160433
#TGIF #FromACertainPointOfView
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19898567129
#textthatgetnoreply VADER:Realise things are tense atm but listen, about my old lightsaber, kinda want that back #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19943984037
#textthatgetnoreply #starwars HW RWH URH GRGH? RG GRH GUH. RRNNRR! Chewie x
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19944548485
I kidnapped a colleagues twins #WorkConfessions
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19955825623
"Ok, I'm at the asteroid field. Where are you parked?" #textthatgetnoreply #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19957752307
Owning any droids #amemoryyoucantforget #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/19996843377
"You must do what you feel is right of course" #breakuplines #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20077460091
"I loved you! But my allegiance is to the republic! To democracy!" #breakuplines #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20077851685
"Take care of yourself. I guess that's what you do best" #breakuplines #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20095800187
"boring relationship anyway" #breakuplines #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20133483430
"You'll be back! And in greater numbers!" #breakuplines #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20134008042
#thatsnothot #starwars http://twitpic.com/2b2upo
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20173612775
Hoth #thatsnothot #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20173674441
I lost Leia. #honestyhour I don't know where she ended up. I gave the Organas a girl from an adoption centre #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20210279907
#thingsthatbotherme Jar Jar #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20210876985
#honestyhour Mos Eisley isn't THAT bad really. I was just trying to make Luke nervous. For the lolz. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20243553714
Hmm, a large, waterproof, canvas sheet? IT'S A TARP! #tuesdaynightakbar
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20276284532
#thingsthatbotherme Padme chose Binks as her senate representative. Why not R2? He's easier to understand. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20316749194
"Impossible to see, the future is. What you have for breakfast at my place, I can not tell" #yodapickuplines #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20322128524
#icantbewithsomeone .... stupid Jedi rules #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20379143579
#atayoungage Anakin was already a bit of a douche #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20420531828
Hark, what Windu through yonder window breaks? #SWShakespeare #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20503239996
Alas, poor Anakin. I knew him, Luke. A fellow of infinite jest.. and he was a good friend #SWShakespeare #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20503638692
For never there was a greater tale of woe, than of R2D2 and his C3PO. #SWshakespeare #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20504271145
Once more unto the trench Red 5, once more! Or let us block up the port with our Rebel dead! #SWShakespeare #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20504833922
None shall harm Palpatine til Endor wood come to Shield Generator #SWshakespeare #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20506269640
#imnotthetype to deal in absolutes. Only Sith do that! #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20580501786
#yoboyfriendgay he likes #Twilight. I'm the only sparkly guy it's manly to follow. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20581122527
If you strike me down, you take away the biggest part of me..... ooOooo Vader feel the Force flow! #starwars #SWsongs
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20588222616
Whatever happened to all of the Jedi? All the dark Sith redeyes? They watched Mustafar burn #SWsongs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20588795611
This time Vader, I'll beeee Saberrrr proof! #SWsongs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20588983867
I hear Geonosian bells ringing, Clone cavalry choir singing. Be my saber and my forcefield, my padawan in a Naboo field #SWsongs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20590665204
(1/2) Just a farmer teen, born and raised on Tatooiiine. He took a charter ship going to Aldeeraaaan. #SWsongs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20592125443
(2/2) Just a royal bore, riding on the Tantive foouur. She took a Death Star ride going to Alderaaaan #SWsongs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20592243544
Cos Hoth is so Cold, and Yes I do Know, Inside and then Out, my tauntaun fell down. #SWsongs #starwars #katieperry
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20618997213
#thesexisover you made a commitment to the Jedi Order. A commitment not easily broken. Stop ogling the senator! #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20619166685
#thesexisover Anakin! I have the high ground! #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20621675213
I want to be, under the sea, in a Gungan's hidden city, in the shade. #SWsongs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20621770865
#SWsongs #starwars And I'll make my last stand (in cloud city). And I won't lose my hand (in cloud city). This went not as I planned (in cloud city) oOooo (in Cloud City)
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20622334687
This could be the end of everythiiiing. So why don't we go, surfing on Kamino. #SWsongs #starwars #keane
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20625223487
(1/2)So don't delay, act soon. The death stars circling the moon. Allow if you're still alive just half an hour to arrive #SWsongs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20650898973
(2/2) Fly in the trench and there may, be a tomorrow but if, the Empire won, we'll just all blame it on Vaders son. #SWsongs #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20650908751
#itsabouttime the Jonas Brothers were introduced to @LordPalpatine. In a high rise building. Next to a window #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20652757398
#ilaugheverytime Luke believes one of my lies. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20708287859
#annoyingquestion "So, what have you been up to?" Well, I spent two decades in exile and now I'm dead. You? #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20739653254
#annoyingquestion "So how many women have you been with?"
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20752784090
#annoyingquestion "Can I interest you in any of our life insurance policies?" Well as I'm dead, no
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20752952952
#annoyingquestion "So what DID happen on Cato Neimodia?" It doesn't count and I don't want to talk about it #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20789029378
#wheniwaslittle if someone told me to wait here and stay out of trouble I didn't get in a plane and fly away. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20789139002
Get down with the Sithness #lucasized #starwars @LordPalpatine
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20816309718
I'm annoyed I couldn't attend #SWCV in person. But at least I'm there in spirit. #LameJoke. #BecauseImAGhostYouSee
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20823407957
#annoyingquestion "Ben, why didn't you tell me?". Because it was funny! Alright? #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20824971796
#wheniwaslittle there was only one Return and it wasn't of the King, it was of the Jedi. #starwars #clerks2 @thatkevinsmith
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20827445796
#theresnoneedforyou to take a shuttle to apologise to Lord Vader personally. He can kill you from where he is. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20904839690
#afterwebrokeup I gave your lightsaber to Luke. Told him you wanted me to. Hope you don't mind. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20905260850
#theresnoneedforyou to see my identification. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20909255005
#itsallfunandgamesuntil someone loses an eye. Then it's still fun and games, you just can't see it as well
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20927894150
#itsallfunandgamesuntil this. #starwars http://twitpic.com/2dtrzy
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20928187160
I #wonderwhy I'm not considered a sex idol. I sparkle! Edward Cullen, #theresnoneedforyou. #starwars #twilight
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20931667840
#inadequatemovies The Alright, The Bit-of-pain and The Not-particularly-attractive
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20971494835
PS, you'll do #inadequatemovies
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20971556791
#StarWars Episode 3.5 - Ben Kenobi plays solitaire for 20 years #inadequatemovies
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20973222762
For all those attending #swcv, may the force be with you. To those who couldn't make it, may the force be with you even more. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20990151923
"#dontexpectmeto talk!" "I don't, I expect you to die!" "... Well #dontexpectmeto do that either!" #jamesbond
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/21060796798
6) Coffee Related
Coffee is an energy source that unites all living things. Coffee is what give a Jedi his power. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20463563832
Dark Coffee, but not Dark Side. That's my motto. #starwars
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/20885427863
#dontexpectmeto make sense before I've had my coffee
http://twitter.com/BenKenobisGhost/status/21061180848
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